Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Head down and lost

I realised, that's how I've been walking since I touched down in Cape Town on Sunday night. So unlike me, because sometimes I am literally worried I'll trip, because I look up so much. I realised that it's not just because of the cold and pouring rain. It's not just because I am not excited to be here and that the project I am working on is EVERYTHING I did not expect to be and far more and far worse, but being here has just rocked me to my core a little. I want to cry and run home. I've lived in Paris and it was incredible. The streets there were far less familiar than these Cape Town streets should be, but I walked them like I owned them and I felt at peace and comfortable in carving my space on those much troddled, cobbled streets.

Cape Town, I've driven many of these roads a number of times over the years, but I have got so lost here over the past few days, that literally I'm having a major moment with myself here. I'm finding myself, desperately seeking the familiar. It all feels so so different and foreign to me. I joked to some of my colleagues that it feels like I'm in some part of Europe that I don't know too well.

It's not about being by myself. I spend a lot of time by myself. Last time I was in Cape Town, I was fully in love on a wonderful adventure with my ex and we were attending our first wedding together. My little sister still stayed here and we stayed with her and it was super hot summer days and we had a wonderful hungover breakfast and a long drive and countless laughs all together. Combo of some of fave peeps and places.
Now I'm here for work, so no handsome lover for kisses and silly couplies (couple selfie) on the plane. No endless jokes and changing the world chats with my sister.

Cape Town has me shaken and stirred some things inside me that's for sure. I feel scared and on edge right now. So unlike me, I like solutions and I can keep it together really well. So who is this person right now. A little part of me, that is not liking something, that has the rest of me in a state. I don't like it here. My heart is not happy and when it isn't my stomach is in knots and my head hangs down. This is not a good space.

Here's the good part though, this is only a passing phase. This is not my life or who I am. It's just me passing through, learning what I need to learn and learning about myself. "When the world tests your mettle..." my school song says. It's testing me now and all I strongly realise and remember is to stay true and truthful. True to myself and who I am. It's so easy to bend when you're not feeling strong inside. Don't bend. You know you! #TRUST
Don't do it!

Now for red lips and high heels, because just because I feel yucky, it doesn't mean I have to look it.

Then on Sunday, I'll be singing and dancing on the plane as the pilot takes me home!

Love to all your hearts xx

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