Tuesday, April 17, 2012

So here we all are...

Sjoe hey! (wipes brow, even though there is no sweat). Life is hard, but it is beautiful. Man oh man.

So Quarter 1 is done over. Can I go to sleep now? Can I wake up and in spring perhaps?! No chance. As much as Jozi is swiftly speeding its way out of autumn and hurridly heading into winter, so my life is mirroring these seasonal chances. At a rather prodigious rate might I add. Anyone say #scarymuch. So I think I've been in an almost autumn/winter of my life. Man had I known, I'd have chosen to add some fashionable flair to match. I've sort of been in life hibernation for a bit or rather perhaps suspended in the dredges of inaction for a while. I can't call it a rut, it definitely felt like a season, but like any season, it's transitory and thank bloody goodness for that.

I do.

So now I think it's time for me to head North for the winter (not physically unfortunately). But dare I say the spring of my life is about to begin. The Fall (and at times it felt distinctly like that) is about to end, I think I can feel it coming to an end. Or is it just me looking anxiously at that proverbial light at the end of this very looong tunnel?!

Sometimes...yes, we're working on always. But is that really realistic.

It's a time of great change in my life. From career direction (much needed) to hair and other aspects of my life. Change is everything. (I heard 'em say) Um...where is the line where they said it's SCARY! FREAKING FRIGHTENING. SO UNSETTLING! You doubt yourself at every turn ( a little difficult when you've taken a no 1 clipper to your head). My most frustrating part is the constant question, AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING? I guess I don't know until I do it and it's done. All I have to do is just do something. It's difficult yes, I'm living it. But it's necessary (again, so they say).

The thing I'm realising more and more is just how difficult letting go is.Letting go is hard to do. On so many levels, people and things. Some of my friends and I have all been going through a spring clean (yep in autumn), but spring comes whenever you need it to. I'm clearing out 2 store rooms as well. I'm standing grappling with what to do with pictures of ex boyfriends. What will I honestly need them for in my new house. Clothes, some are far too big to even look reasonably pull off-able, but still.Attachment is a tough one. Why do we get so attached?human nature...I want to cry just saying this. More and more though I've realised just how much more of what I need comes into my life when I let go of things and people I know deep down inside I do not need in my life. It's true though, we can make anyone seem so amazing in our heads, even though they prove time and time again just how much they are not.When you care deeply for someone, you'll make so many excuses, defying your own reasonable sense.But like all excuses they get tired and you know what to do. It's so much easier on the other side of it all.

I realised I'd made up my own quotable quote yesterday when I said to my sister,"Remember that it is by no coincidence that your life is a lot better without certain people that you chose to let go of."

More and more the power of a cup of tea becomes more apparent to me.

Things are easier to let go of, eventually you can break the attachment, it's far more tangible, but people, often a toughie, but as you get going you realise the truth. Getting detached makes you see things far clearer.

The main point of letting go and clearing out, is that you're making space. Space to breathe, space to let in the light and the greatness.

But all I can do, all I can offer myself are steps in the direction I want to go in. "Cover me I'm going in!"

Every point in life needs a soundtrack. In my current state of angst, change, anxiety, excitement, trepidation, hesitation, exploration, absolute despair, confusion, happiness and all ambit of emotions, I've rediscovered Made in Heights. Thank you to the ever AMAZING Muptee and her musical genius  self for introducing me to this amazing music.

I somehow had this track on repeat today. The beginning music kind of sounds like an alarm, which seems kind of fitting for what I feel like my life is like right now. Have a listen...

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