Springing into Action
You know procrastination is crap!Quite frankly!It is annoyingly, so hesitatingly destoryingly, nonsensically, against my better judgement crap! I really don't like it, but I find myself there so often! WHYYYYYY!!!
It hurts my feelings quite honestly! I am desperately trying and honestly succeeding to get myself out of that space. I think with some success and really the benefits of non procrastination really have been incredible.Wait for it! I get stuff done and boy does that feel good.
You know I had to delve into it and discover what the hell my issue was.Why I was holding MYSELF back, because that is what it is quite frankly!Me, HOLD me BACK! From doing things from going out there and grabbing life and taking it for a good right ol LIVING ride! My brain is there, but my body and my soul are sitting back, quite sad actually and feeling terrible about being where I am physically and not where I envisaged.So in my head, it's fantastic and ALIVE, but in reality, feeling lazy and sloppy and unfulfilled and not good enough!
Well you know, that makes sense!Perfect sense, because I haven't felt good enough or believed that I am.Believed who I am quite frankl.Well didn't even know who I am anymore,because I got so caught up living what I think has really been a lie.Because what I often portray really isn't what I truly practice for myself. I've been dealing with this a lot lately and by dealing, I mean digging deep, asking questions and discovering what I don't really want to admit to myself out loud, but really HAVE to.Because I know that it's not like I haven't known this all along anyway!But going to find those things and look at them head on.Going to that dark,manky place where you want to look at it fleetingly through one SQUINTING eye, rather than with both eyes open.So I've been going for it, with eyes WIDE open and well firstly it's not that scary.It's not nice,but really going for it makes it so much easier to deal with.Strange, but so very true.
Can you imagine how hard it is to realise that all those beautiful things that people see of you, really are true!I can't be together all the time and why would I want to be.That was the problem in the first place.
I have learnt so far, that my parents are people and they are doing the best they are able to do.And their affirmation is not confirmation of who I am. Hard one.Maybe, no wait scratch that, DEFINITELY I have to start the so confident in myself and so proud of myself train of thoughts and actions and others will hop on too.Noone wants to ride a train from nowhere to nowhere!
I was tired, tired of not being who I am and hiding and running away.So tired.I now want to take up running, because I'd like to experience the actual sport and sensation that others speak so fondly of! I want to dance with others watching!I want to laugh and smile without feeling self conscious that my father will think I'm not serious about life.I am very serious about life and I'm even more serious about sending some serious smiles and inexplicable joy into everyone else's universes!I am so serious about perfecting happy for myself and everyone I encounter.And pat on the back to me, because that is a damn good thing.Any while Daddy might not view it as a profession, it is a damn good passion from where I'm standing and the benefits for all involved cannot EVER be translated into anything of monetary equivalence!
Spring has sprung, why not burst open and blossom like the gorgeous pink flowers on a plant I don't know outside my window.
Opening the door, stepping out and springing into action!
It hurts my feelings quite honestly! I am desperately trying and honestly succeeding to get myself out of that space. I think with some success and really the benefits of non procrastination really have been incredible.Wait for it! I get stuff done and boy does that feel good.
You know I had to delve into it and discover what the hell my issue was.Why I was holding MYSELF back, because that is what it is quite frankly!Me, HOLD me BACK! From doing things from going out there and grabbing life and taking it for a good right ol LIVING ride! My brain is there, but my body and my soul are sitting back, quite sad actually and feeling terrible about being where I am physically and not where I envisaged.So in my head, it's fantastic and ALIVE, but in reality, feeling lazy and sloppy and unfulfilled and not good enough!
Well you know, that makes sense!Perfect sense, because I haven't felt good enough or believed that I am.Believed who I am quite frankl.Well didn't even know who I am anymore,because I got so caught up living what I think has really been a lie.Because what I often portray really isn't what I truly practice for myself. I've been dealing with this a lot lately and by dealing, I mean digging deep, asking questions and discovering what I don't really want to admit to myself out loud, but really HAVE to.Because I know that it's not like I haven't known this all along anyway!But going to find those things and look at them head on.Going to that dark,manky place where you want to look at it fleetingly through one SQUINTING eye, rather than with both eyes open.So I've been going for it, with eyes WIDE open and well firstly it's not that scary.It's not nice,but really going for it makes it so much easier to deal with.Strange, but so very true.
Can you imagine how hard it is to realise that all those beautiful things that people see of you, really are true!I can't be together all the time and why would I want to be.That was the problem in the first place.
I have learnt so far, that my parents are people and they are doing the best they are able to do.And their affirmation is not confirmation of who I am. Hard one.Maybe, no wait scratch that, DEFINITELY I have to start the so confident in myself and so proud of myself train of thoughts and actions and others will hop on too.Noone wants to ride a train from nowhere to nowhere!
I was tired, tired of not being who I am and hiding and running away.So tired.I now want to take up running, because I'd like to experience the actual sport and sensation that others speak so fondly of! I want to dance with others watching!I want to laugh and smile without feeling self conscious that my father will think I'm not serious about life.I am very serious about life and I'm even more serious about sending some serious smiles and inexplicable joy into everyone else's universes!I am so serious about perfecting happy for myself and everyone I encounter.And pat on the back to me, because that is a damn good thing.Any while Daddy might not view it as a profession, it is a damn good passion from where I'm standing and the benefits for all involved cannot EVER be translated into anything of monetary equivalence!
1st Day of spring, though apparently that too has been moved to the 13th September.I'm not leaving it till then!How does that song go?!"Starting here,starting now..." I need to get moving and carry on with getting done what I've planned to do today TODAY!No more procrastination.Firstly, because I don't want to feel crap and I'm so tired of holding myself back!As I said initially procrastination is crap!That is not a feeling to relate to!
Spring has sprung, why not burst open and blossom like the gorgeous pink flowers on a plant I don't know outside my window.
Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to your blossoming!
And wow, don't we all get stuck. Especially those of us who spend a lot of time introspecting. It's almost a badge of honour...