Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Oh Pollock(s)

I haven't blogged much this month at all. It's been a rough month.Not really the highlight of my 2012 calendar, but we press on.
Jackson Pollock "Convergence"

Another week has come to an end and another has begun. I feel like my head, heart and soul are as frenzied as a Pollock painting.

So much is going on at the moment.So much to get done and in some cases somethings to stop. I guess in times of change, angst comes in varying degrees. My Virgo self, more prone to anxiety than some I presume, because perfection is often desired (not altogether realistic, but it's the truth none the less), I find myself feeling far more anxious than most. Coupled with this strange drive to handle everything myself (I know not why I do these things), I can make my own life pretty difficult at times. (oh so unnecessarily so might I add).

Perfect for wading through the waters of my life perhaps?

This has been a rough month.Lots of lessons learnt, but one key thing that has stood out, is learning to let go. On so many levels.Learning to let issues go, learning to let people go (the action is far far less daunting than thinking about it). So many things we hold onto that hold us more than just back. They just hold us, make us stand in one place and frankly make no difference. Change is often everything.LEARNING is about how we change. I need to learn to embrace change. Hey it's all a process. Can't rush it, but can't procrastinate either.

Feb has been a month of closing chapters. I love books and reading, though this month I really haven't been in that space. It's difficult to absorb anything in a book, when your mind is a myriad of convergences as in the Pollock above. But here's the thing..I think that when we close chapters, as much as it signifies an end, we are done with that part of the book or our lives, we can always page back and revisit those chapters just to see what was there and remind ourselves where we were AND why it all makes sense in the end.

Monday, February 6, 2012


"Don't live like people do..."

They sure don't. Memories are what we get left behind with. The aim for this post is to get through it without bursting into tears. Or quietly crying. Whatever...trying not to do the tears thing in the office!
That would be me...end scene

After a deep soul searching chat at dinner with my good friend Maxie on Friday night. I opened my bag to look at my phone and get news that literally made my heart stop and my body stand still, save for the involuntary shaking that took over my entire body! A great and dear friend had passed away. As peacefully as he lived his life quite frankly, but still sitting here, saying to myself SAY IT ISN'T SO!!

I have no words for this. I always have words, but my heart is broken deep down inside to a place I can't even explain where the hurt and the brokenness reside.(Oops I feel the tears coming on). You know when your heart is so sore, you can feel it almost convulsing in pain.

It's very rare to feel your heart physically beating.It's struggling now. Don't mean to sound dramatic, but this is the truth.As best as I can express it,because in all honesty I have no words left. The one thing I usually have lots of!
Let's not assume.Make the most of what we have.

To my dear friend Sifiso. I cannot believe it, we don't believe it's true.Trying to take a leaf from your book of absolutely chilled wisdom. (It's not working, I'm just shattered instead.) Trying to comfort myself with the thought that your time here is done. Your work here is done.

Maybe you are  a "Travelling man.""Moving through places, space and time, (you) gotta lot a things to do...God willing you'll come back to (us)"

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

There's no place like...

Okay, there's no place like..I just  don't quite know yet. Officially a year today that I'm in this job, at this place. And my resignation has been handed in.My countdown officially begins...Countdown to breathing. Countdown to my new life. That's all I know for now. Never been more plan-less, but never have I ever felt so relieved.

No concrete new job lined up, imminent expenses have seemingly increased,but the palpable relief, excitement,anxiety and anticipation of what lies ahead. For once in my super planned and plotted life, everything is vague and that is just fine. Embracing it. Opportunities lie ahead without a doubt, I just need to go out there and get them. As my dear Bails so rightly said, this is a year of ACTION! So let's get on with doing stuff!Less talking and pondering and way more doing. Good thing I test drove this whole doing thing last year, now it's time to up that ante, epically!!There are many, albeit brief, flashes of incredible terror! Like what am I doing!! My heart is strangely calm and at peace.There is an overarching theme song seemingly playing around me, soothing me and saying,"it's all going to work out just fine." Don't know where it's coming from, but I sure will be keeping this faith alive.

Just going to embrace the now, the moment, my life and living it. So much to do and get done and keen to get on with the get on.

So not much unlike Dorothy, I'll be closing my eyes tapping my golden sparkly shoes and saying;
There's no place like...RIGHT HERE (quite frankly).
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