Tuesday, March 22, 2016

You should...

Save me?! I got this!
A few months back, I had a rather astonishing and all together enlightening conversation with a man I liked. Really liked him actually. Older(I mean over a decade older) in age, but far far younger in maturity levels(pre pubescent at best.)

Anyway I'd gone over to drop of some freshly baked scones on my way to being awesome in my day and he was watching some Bear Grylls type adventure show and he turned and said to me, "you should do one of these, you'd be really good at it..." Resounding confusion within and without my entire being, I look at him confused and manage to utter a, "why?!!!!!" He swiftly responds, saying, "because you live alone and you are so good at  living alone and taking care of yourself and getting stuff done, you'd be able to tackle this show." So because I am a single woman, living in an apartment alone, I can tackle the wild outdoors and the unknown woods... Okay... What the hellity hell? BUT, oh wow, did this get me thinking and confirming. Did I ever just get whipped upside the head with some clarity and perspective.

He my dear bloglets, made me realise something I've been speculating not just about him, but about a lot of men in general, the whole notion that the male/ female relationship dynamic requires an almost inordinate amount of lady saving on the part of the man. Rescuer syndrome one of my more enlightened guy friends said his therapist had diagnosed him with and asked him to look for in forming future relationships. I do wonder what it is though that has men feeling the need to throw out life lines in relationships. Is this the male perspective of the "knight in shining armour" tale we all get spun as kids? These tales are causing havoc in real life dating..

Are we talking about this out there? I'm not on some I am all woman hear me roar type campaign, but I am really concerned that  being able to live alone and thrive and manage my life in some order, means renders me in some ways undateable?! I don't want someone to date me when I am in a position when I am feeling less than myself, or I am compromised in some sense, for me that does not a healthy relationship dynamic make. I have no firm answers on this yet, but that comment made me infinitely sad and simultaneously had me seething with anger and then oscillating between confusion and a little bit more anger if I must be honest. Not something I had not said to him before, but saving someone and this hero complex is seemingly easy, because you are so involved in the saving and fixing that you never ever have to be fully present emotionally and as you are, as that partner. When I am secure in myself, you arrive as you are and I want to be with you and all of you. We would both have to arrive and have feelings and be vulnerable and get upset and sometimes hurt each other and be involved in more ways than the exchange of goods and services.

When you're saving and fixing, that's what you're busy doing. Very rarely does the fireman ever get involved in the victim he saves from the burning building's life forever. It is not an emotional connection, it is highly perfunctory really. Saving is often about the saver really. Not altruistic.. They want to be heroes. Bless. We cannot save anyone from themselves. Let's put that in the tales please. Each one, must be able to fix oneself.

I don't know what my final comment is on this yet. The liking still lingers on my part. We did not land up together, I guess because I could take on Bear Grylls with my great skills at unlocking my apartment door, cooking for my self in my electrified and heated apartment and buying and driving a car of my own accord! Eek!

I mean by all means, someone, anyone can save me from sorting out new tyres and onerous tasks like filling up my car and changing light bulbs, but from myself, adore me, don't save me. It's way more fun, for both of us.

;)


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